Still Cranky

I have a confession to make:  I subscribe to "O", the Oprah Magazine.  I'm not proud of this fact. The truth is, I'm so ashamed, I wish the magazine was shipped in a plain brown wrapper. But there it is, arriving in my mailbox every month, with Oprah's airbrushed visage smiling out at me. Her satisfied expression seems to say, "Thanks to suckers like YOU, I'm the richest woman in the whole goddam universe!" (Incidentally, I'd like the magazine a lot more if Oprah wasn't featured on every single cover.  But I suspect she'd sooner miss a meal than miss a photo op).

Believe me , I've tried to quit "O".  Whenever my subscription expires, I tell myself, "This is it…you don't have to renew…you don't need to send Oprah another $28."   But then I give in once again, seduced by those glossy pages filled with the promise of a better, more satisfying, more rewarding life.  It seems I can't get by without the benefit of Oprah's all-knowing guidance and innate wisdom regarding everything from relationships to where to find the best lip gloss.

This month, "O" is full of advice on how to economize.   Oprah understands we're in the midst of a nasty Recession.  She knows we're hurting.  And being Oprah, she feels our pain.  So she's there for us, offering up "45 Affordable Pleasures" and a myriad of savvy, penny-pinching tips.  These money-saving suggestions range from bringing your toner cartridge back to Staples for a $3 store coupon to joining the Spirit Airlines' $9 fare club.  And in her "What I Know For Sure" column, Oprah waxes poetic on the simple pleasures of relaxing in her backyard with her 3 dogs, while she savors a "yummy" Popsicle.  I guess it's a lot easier to appreciate the Simple Things in Life when you have a shit load of money.

But we should at least give Oprah the benefit of the doubt.  After all, isn't she all about Authenticity? When it comes to economizing, I'm sure she walks the walk.   I can just see her turning to Stedman and saying, "Honey, let's not forget to bring our toner cartridge to Staples – we can get a $3 coupon!"  Afterwards, she probably calls her best friend, Gayle, to inform her that if she just returns six empty containers of MAC products to the store, she could receive a free lipstick of her choice.

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time accepting money-saving tips from a woman with a net worth of over $1 billion.  I know, Oprah came from humble beginnings.  But it's been a long time since she shopped at T.J. Maxx or had her dinner parties catered by Sizzler.  Asking Oprah for tips on saving money is like asking Elliot Sptitzer for advice on marriage.

Of course, these days, Oprah isn't the only wealthy celebrity offering tips on thrift.  On any given morning, you'll find Today Show co-hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira wearing their faux concerned expressions as they advise ordinary Americans on how to save on everything from their cell phone bills to groceries.  Then they leave the studios at 30 Rock, climb into their chauffered limousines and head to their abodes on the Upper East Side.  Matt Lauer's reported annual salary is a cool $13 million. I don't think he's that worried about how to stretch a tuna casserole for a week.

Here's what I know for sure:  The economy sucks.  We need help.  But what we don't need are any more of the Ridiculously Rich and Famous and their phony empathy.  Which is why when Oprah gushes about Simple Pleasures and her oh-so-clever money-saving tricks, I say save us from the hypocrisy.  And wonder why I wasted another 28 bucks.