Still Cranky

I was at the Safeway Deli counter today, ordering my usual tuna sandwich        (they make a surprisingly good tuna sandwich).  Lately, I've been getting my lunch there almost every single day.  I always order the exact same thing.           And regardless of who is behind the counter that day, the exchange always – always – goes exactly the same way:

DELI CLERK:    Can I help you?

ME:                      Yes, I'd like a tuna sandwich on rye toast with nothing on it.   

DELI CLERK:     Would you like cheese on that?

ME:                      No, thanks…no cheese…nothing.  Just the tuna…on toast.

DELI CLERK:    No cheese?

ME:                      NO cheese…just tuna.  That's all I want.

DELI CLERK:     Did you want tomatoes on that, Ma'am?

ME:                      No.  No tomatoes.

DELI CLERK:     Can I get you anything else with that?

ME:                       No thanks, just the sandwich.

DELI CLERK:     Would you like some tasty soup with that, lady?

ME:                       No thanks, just the sandwich. 

DELI CLERK:     Would you like to order a large sized soft drink today?

ME:                      NO THANK YOU.  I…JUST…WANT…THE…SANDWICH.    

By the time my sandwich is finally made, and it's time to pay for it, I am about to go postal.  But I'm not out of the woods yet.  Because that's when the Cashier attempts to close the deal by asking, "Do you want a refreshing soft drink with that today?  Or may I suggest some delicious soup?"

At which point, I respond with, "NO, I JUST WANT THE #@!!% FREAKING SANDWICH!!" (Note: I don't actually swear at the Safeway counter…but this is what I would LIKE to say.  Regardless, my expression – and the steam escaping from my ears –  says it all.  The Sushi chefs at the neighboring counter have been known to stare).

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Now, I know the Safeway Deli clerks are only doing as they are told.  And they have been told to always ask if the customer wants another item.  Even when said customer makes it absolutely clear he or she doesn't want another item – they must still ask the question (it should be noted here that most Safeway Deli personnel have a rather tenuous grasp of the English language to begin with, which tends to exacerbate the situation).

Of course, this technique is quite deliberate.  It's called "upselling". 

I call it a pain in the butt.

This popular practice is hardly unique to the Safeway Deli counter.  It happens almost everywhere nowadays.

Jamba Juice, for instance, is notorious for their upselling tactics.  I can't order a smoothie without being asked if I'd also like a "yummy baked good" with my drink.  Since I've  caught on to their methods, I've tried to head them off at the pass, immediately jumping in at lightning speed with "No, I don't want anything else with that", just as the eager Jamba clerk is forming the question.  Alas, it does no good.  The question gets asked anyway.  These people have been given a script, and by golly, they are going to stick to it.  Which means they don't even act that much like real people.  They're more like perky automotrons with aprons.

Upselling isn't new.  As anyone who has frequented a department store cosmetics counter knows, you can't just buy a lipstick without being asked to sample the latest miracle serum or amazing, line-smoothing foundation.  But for some reason, I expect this at the makeup counter.  And when you tell a Lancome salesperson "no thanks", it tends to stick.  He or she just gives you a dirty look and skulks away to ring up your measly purchase.

But this new breed of aggressive retailers won't take no for an answer.  I assume that's because they must have had some success with this technique.  It's all predicated on impulse buying and the power of suggestion.  I guess a certain number of people who had no idea they wanted soup with their sandwich suddenly want soup when the suggestion is made.  But when I am asked the question repeatedly – regardless of what I've already said – I have an entirely different impulse:  I want to strangle the person asking the question.  Better yet,     I want to strangle that person's boss.

Good customer service used to mean that you listened to what the customer wanted and gave them exactly what they requested.  But listening is just so passé.  Today, you simply tell impressionable customers what they should want.  And if they still don't want it, just tell them again.  And again.

Retailers of America: Come to think of it, I would like something else with my sandwich or smoothie or whatever the hell it is I'm about to purchase: someone who actually listens and knows enough to not presume to know what I want.

Not that you asked.